Sunday, April 12, 2015

The Charles Atlas Method: End of Week Four

I've come to the end of Lessons 2 and 3, although I suppose that I should continue with Lesson 2 all through the program.  It contains no exercises, only dietary guidelines.  I haven't been following them so far, and I really should do so at some point during this program.  I need more incentive, such as the ghost of Charles Atlas showing up to kick sand in my face every time I look at a can of Coke.  That or some willpower.  One of those would do it.

Lesson 3 was nice and easy, with nothing more than a trio of stretching exercises.  Did they strengthen my inner abdomen, as they were supposed to?  There's no way of knowing, unless I rupture my insides at some point during the next lot of exercises; then I'll know it failed.

I'm going to spare my readers any photos of my lily-white chest this week.  It's cold, and I don't want to get out from under my doona.  Maybe next week.

So it's onwards to Lessons 4 and 5, and I have to say that these are going to be time-consuming.  Lesson 4 has nine separate exercises, and Lesson 5 has thirteen!  Hey Charles, some of us have lives to lead!  Seriously, any extra lifespan I gain from doing these exercises will be pointless, because I have to spend all that extra time exercising.  It's a zero sum game.

Anyway, I'm only going to cover Lesson 4 this week, and I'll tackle Lesson 5 next week.  There's a lot to go over, and I really want to watch Daredevil.

Lesson 4 is all about the abs.  Charles Atlas promises that these exercises will give me a washboard stomach, but I estimate that I will end up with something that more resembles a washcloth.  He'd be very disappointed with my negativity.  Anyway, onto the exercises.

Exercise 1: So I'm supposed to lie on my back in "loose or breathable clothes", raise my feet in the air as high as possible until they are "in close proximity to the head", then let my feet go slowly forward.  That bit about being in close proximity to the head is confusing; I'm not the most flexible dude around.  I think he means that my feet should be directly above my head, which is a bit more plausible for me.  (Also, Charles Atlas' mention of clothing is an odd one, because he seemingly never wears anything except for a pair of white undies.)

Exercise 2: Sit-ups, although the book is once again so old-timey that they aren't named that.  I'll have to be careful with these, as I have some back problems.

Exercise 3: Lying on my back, I have to bring my feet up, then out to the sides as far as possible.  After that I bring them together again and cross them over.

Exercise 4: With this one I'm meant to push myself up on the arms of a chair with my feet sticking straight out, but that's going to be problem.  Not because I'm incapable (although I very probably am) but because I don't own a chair with arms.  I might have to skip this one, because I'm not buying a piece of furniture.

Exercise 5: I honestly have no idea.  here's the text: "While standing, with arms outstretched at
the sides, bend far downward to the right, come slowly back to an upright position and bend
down far to the left. Now vary the movement by swinging the body in a half circle while bending
to the left and then to the right.
"  Is it as confusing as it sounds, or am I just being willfully stupid?

Exercise 6: This one is kind of a reverse push-up.  With my feet on a chair and my back to the floor, I have to lower myself down with my arms.

Exercise 7: I find this one very amusing for some reason.  First I have to firmly rub my abdomen with my palm.  Then, after a few moments relaxation, I tense my stomach muscles and tap my abs with a clenched fist.  Apparently it brings blood to the area, or something?  This is useful?

Exercise 8: This is another one I might not be able to do.  I'm supposed to sit on a chair next to a bed, hook my feet under the bed and do some sit ups.  Our beds are all pretty close to the walls, so I probably won't have the space I need.

Exercise 9: Okay, so I'm suppose to crouch like a monkey, with my hands back between my legs?  And stretch while tensing my stomach muscles?  I think that's what's going on here.  It's another ambiguous one.  I'm beginning to question the wisdom of this endeavour.

Alright then, so as of tomorrow I have about thirty exercises to do, morning and night.  I am not looking forward to the next two weeks.  Screw you, Charles Atlas!  Screw you so hard!

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